Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
