So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
