In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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