eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
