I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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