she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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