im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
