I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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