I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
love makes seman taste better
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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