I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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