i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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