shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
