By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
