I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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