Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
