I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
