he shaved USA in his pubs
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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