I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
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