Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
