I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
