The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love black thongs
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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