oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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