Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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