I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ttyl tear gas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
