I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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