Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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