You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
