my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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