no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
