dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
