WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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