I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
