You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
