Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
