Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
