Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize