I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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