Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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