I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
