sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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