There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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