yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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