He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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