The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
false alarm, still single
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
