If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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