did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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