I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
A bitchslap is in order.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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