I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
