she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
