I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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