went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
