The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
