woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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