my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
