I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
