we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
