i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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