He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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