Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize