I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
