I think I won the penis lottery.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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